Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas

I toyed with the idea of making some sort of Christmas blog, exploring the meaning of the holiday and how much the meaning has, for me, changed over time. Then I decided that anyone who reads this blog should be doing something more interesting with their holiday than reading my crap, and that I should be doing something more interesting than writing said crap. So instead, I'll just write this little splatter of brain-sputum and be off. Merry Christmas. :)

I've had this set of unwritten rules floating around in my head for a long time. Sometimes I forget they're unwritten and refer to Rule 2, which confuses people who can't read minds. To spare the confusion, I wrote them down:


  1. Always speak politely to people who are carrying guns, unless you beat them in a quick-draw contest
  1. Thou shalt not boink thy coworkers, nor through inaction or dereliction of duty allow oneself to be boinked by said coworkers. Please note that this rule does NOT apply retroactively.
  1. Thou shalt pack every tool thou art able, else the one tool you do not have with you will be the one you need.
  1. Remember that idiots will cheer for anything, so long as someone else is cheering too.
  1. Get a full physical once per year. That way if you discover you have something incurable, you will have time to arrange your affairs, get some closure, and die of something you actually LIKE before your liver gives out.
  1. Always make sure you have twice as much money as you will likely need, plenty of ammunition, and a good lawyer on speed-dial.
  1. When visiting any of those scenic Latin American countries with their beautiful mountains, amazing ecologies, and warm, friendly, colorful people, the first words out of your mouth when getting off the CIA-chartered airplane in Tegucigalpa should NOT be "Hola, soy un turista del gringo. Deseo derrocar su gobierno. Por favor demuéstreme donde están las putas."
  1. Remember that the first principle of modern democracy is that all men are created equal, and equally entitled to a voice in representation. This means that while the informed and honest citizenry can vote, so can the uninformed, the insane, religious fundamentalists, and most criminals, as well as those few lobbyists and Republicans who have not been listed above. In other words, retards can vote, and you're no better than they.
  1. There is not problem that cannot be solved, or at least ameliorated, by a properly phrased and addressed dose of bullshit.
  1. Treat all of your clients equally; the guy with a $500 job deserves the same respect as the guy with a $50,000 job. The fact that one guy has more money does not correlate to him being a better or more worthy person.
  1. Reality TV is the biggest scam the 21st century has seen so far. If you want reality, look out the window, and then throw your television out through the window.
  1. Cthulhu snores. This explains a great deal.
  1. "Because I can" and "because I should" are two entirely different things.

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